90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After Recap: Look What You Made Nicole DoJune 4, 2018
Although the emotional scarring of Annie’s sex speech last week still haunts our nightmares, we shall bravely march forward into the darkness of 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After! This week, The Family Chantel plays full court press against Pedro. David and Annie scratch together five whole bucks for food – and on a heavier note, are shocked by the gun accident David’s son, Jacob, experiences.
The travel alert that Nicole will head back to Morocco to human-traffic Azan back to the States has gone from orange to RED. Azan, by the way, is now only attracted to Nicole 25% – as evidenced by the documents he likely faked to prove his K1 visa was “rejected.” Jorge decides to risk life and limb by moving back into Anfisa’s lair. Molly makes yet another disastrous decision by leaving Kensley in Luis’s care for the weekend, and Paola confesses something to her family that she’s been keeping a secret. But the biggest news of all might be that Annie’s family still expects David will pay them their back-dowry sum of $15k. To that, all I have to say is…BWAHAHAHAHA!
Chantel & Pedro
We begin at the family getaway every young bride dreams of: In-laws who hate your spouse and a spouse who hates ‘em right on back. As Chantel and Pedro wake up in their basement bedroom, Pedro decides to keep sleeping rather than face The Family Chantel. Thus, everyone is free to discuss him at breakfast, the gist of which is “Pedro suxxxxxx.” River thinks Pedro’s attitude is the problem, not his. Mmmkay.
Chantel’s like, “Whatever.” She’s sick of being in the middle of this drama, although she admits that Pedro’s mom and sister are an enormous pain in the rear. Mother Chantel doesn’t like Pedro’s DR family “taking advantage” of their daughter, and they plan to do something about it – i.e., hiring a P.I. to investigate what the hell is going on with those TV-poaching witches. Mother Chantel thinks they’re into way deeper crime than Chantel will admit. Erm, like “body trafficking?” (Wtf!?)
Later on, the gang heads out to dinner. The passive-aggressive digs at Pedro are constant, but he doesn’t engage with anyone until they’re all seated. Then, it’s on. Pedro is sick of everyone questioning his intentions, and he reminds them of how awful they treated his family by holing up the van instead of coming inside to eat with them. Mother Chantel deflects, instead turning it around on Pedro. She thinks his mother and sister are using him, and she wants to find out why. Pedro claims his mom is not manipulating him, that he supports his family because it’s culturally expected.
Then Pedro drops the bombshell that he’s been thinking of going back to the Dominican Republic eventually anyway. For a trip? No. With Chantel? No. ALONE! FOREVER! Chantel looks like she’s been sucker punched, but she must understand how crazy Pedro and her family make each other. I mean, what would she do if she was living with his nightmarish mom and sister? Leave, that’s what.
But Pedro’s plan actually sounds more devious than just a quick escape route. He claims he has long-term plans to move back, but he and his family “aren’t ready to talk about it now.” Ummmm – QUE?!? Chantel had no idea Pedro ever had this plan and now is joining The Family in suspecting him of shady intentions.
The next morning, Chantel asks Pedro what the hell he was drunkenly rambling about at dinner about leaving her? Pedro just laughs, acting like he never said what he said. Then he changes tactics, explaining that yeah, he does want to go back to the DR at some point “for business reasons,” but not yet. Chantel has no idea WTF this dude is talking about, and frankly neither do I. But if he’s looking to get a private investigator trailing his sorry butt 24/7 courtesy of Mother Chantel, he’s certainly succeeding at it. Wow.
Russ & Paola
In Colombia, Paola is recovering from seeing her ailing grandmother and Russ is recovering from riding over 10 MPH on the back of some chick’s motorcycle. When they visit Paola’s immediate family in Bogota, though, both are in the hot seat. Everyone wants to know why Paola has essentially ghosted them. They also blame Russ for keeping their precious girl from them. While Russ sits mutely in the corner questioning why he showed up four years later with THIS tragic hairstyle, Paola decides to drop a bomb.
Paola’s been keeping some secrets from them. Last time she and Russ planned to visit Colombia, Russ lost his job and she had to “work” (LOL) in Miami to keep them financially afloat. None of the family accepts this as an answer. “We’re your family,” they repeat. But Paola defends that she avoids talking to them because it’s always bad news. She hated living in Oklahoma, and her modeling career is in the crapper. (They’re likely only on this trip now because TLC paid for the tickets.)
But the bigger secret is this: Paola and Russ are apparently trying to have a baby, but her doctor says her blood type can potentially cause problems for a child. She was, in fact, pregnant weeks before this trip, but suffered a miscarriage, which is heartbreaking. 🙁 Paola’s mother seems to wonder why she wouldn’t have reached out with this news, but Paola just cries that she didn’t want to burden them with any more pain. Everyone hugs and seems to lay down their swords, at least for now.
The next day, Paola’s brother Jhon takes a walk with Russ and her to talk about the family’s concerns. They feel abandoned – almost like Russ “forbid” her from talking to them. Russ is shocked they’re blaming him, and Paola reiterates that she shut down because she wasn’t happy in America. Jhon doesn’t care – he wants her to reach out even when she’s not doing well. Paola says she understands, but something tells me her behavior won’t be solved by one conversation.
Nicole & Azan
Down in Florida, Nicole has emerged from her hovel. In broad daylight! She and May are heading to a lawyer’s office to get to the bottom of Azan’s K1 visa rejection. Mayra Calo, esquire, has a gigantic sign of her face on the porch and an…um, interesting look for an attorney. Something tells me Nicole googled “lawyer willing to embarrass self on janky TLC show” in order to find this super professional woman.
The email Nicole received from a government official in Casablanca doesn’t make sense to her because it is written in full sentences. Mayra reads the email and tells Nicole there are major concerns here, but no clear reason why Azan was denied. It could be anything from overstaying another visa to being associated with a drug cartel. Mayra does admit she’s never seen an email like this that doesn’t provide a specific reason for visa denial. In so many words, she’s basically questioning the validity of this document.
But damn, Mayra! Why’d you have to go and do us dirty with your next move? Sadly, she tells Nicole not to worry because there’s a K3 spousal visa she can apply for if she GOES TO MOROCCO TO MARRY AZAN THERE. And if you’ve been keeping up on social media these past few months, it seems like that’s just what Nicole intends to do. UGH.
Cutting her fake tears short, Nicole is all smiles about this new plan. She’s on it like a leash on a toddler. Bah! Watch out, Morocco. Hide yo kids, hide yo fries. Something stupid this way comes.
When Nicole slumps back to her cave later, she calls Azan to talk about the lawyer’s recommendation. She also asks why the letter was so sketchy? Azan has no answers, of course, but Nicole is so dense that she doesn’t require any. She tells Azan about her plans to pursue the K3, which likely gives Azan a heart attack right on the spot. He didn’t see this sh*t coming! But Nicole’s international stalking knows no bounds, so he better start preparing that goat head for dinner. “Uh..uh..um, we’ll talk about it,” stutters Azan. He doesn’t want to actually work! Or marry this nightmare chick! But he kind of deserves his fate at this point, so whatever. He finally just gives in to Nicole’s whining and accepts that she’s coming over as his family all poison themselves in the background.
“Do you want to go back to Morocco?” Nicole asks May after she gets off the phone. “NO!” says May, who’d better be whisked away by Robbalee before Nicole takes that baby away forever. DIS TEW MUCH. None of this is okay. Make it stop!!!
Later on, Nicole drags a sleeping May over to Robbalee’s house. She tells her the new plan: Fly to Morocco and drug/force Azan into marrying her, and live there for a year so Azan can get his U.S. visa. Robbalee is like, OH HELL NO! But she knows Nicole will drag that precious grandbaby away from her no matter what she says. She has no power in this nightmare situation. Nicole doesn’t care. She does, however, expect her entire family to come to her wedding in Morocco in a few months.
Nicole also meets her father and stepmother at a park later to tell them about her plans too. They think she’s CRAY, and that Azan’s lying. But once again: The thickness of Nicole’s skull prevents any valid information from penetrating her brain. It’s futile, and her entire family will just have to watch in horror as she sets her life on fire. Sadly, she’s dragging a precious child into the flames. #FREEMAY
David & Annie
In Kentucky, David takes Annie out to lunch, but she’s unsure if they even have enough scratch to pay for coffee. Annie misses home – the luxuries of working at a “karaoke” bar, going to sleep on a straw mat, and living with two water buffalo in the backyard.
As they eat their free chips and salsa, Annie confesses she’s not happy in America. She doesn’t like the weather, the food, or David’s kids. But uh – she does like sex with David?!? Because dude, that would be at the top of anyone else list of #WorstPossibleOutcomes. David says he’ll make it work no matter what. But he, of course, won’t GO to work. That dowry is never getting paid, and everybody knows it – even though David keeps claiming “lots of people” are calling him with “great opportunities.” HA! Oh lord, I needed that laugh. That sh*t is funny.
Okay, we’ll play along. David goes to see an attorney about a “consultant position” he thinks he’s perfect for. In his interview, David decides to tell his life story, which is one long trip down the sad-sackery of David’s terrible choices. He also thinks it’s wise to tell his interviewer, “I’m running out of money!” which makes him sound like the desperate loser he is. The attorney tells him thanks, but we’re gonna go ahead and NOT hire your weird ass. So David walks/waddles out in defeat. Pssssst, Dave: Subway is always in need of new sandwich artists. #ProTip
Sometime later, tragedy strikes when we learn about Jacob’s accident. A loaded gun that his friend was handling went off accidentally and shot him in the face. Thank goodness he survived with no serious impairment, although he did sustain significant wounds. And the bullet is actually still lodged in his face. David is obviously rattled and saddened by the news, but his daughter Ashley is the one who takes action. She doesn’t think David has enough sense in his head to successfully purchase toilet paper, let alone take care of his traumatized/injured son.
So Jacob needs to move out and will be staying with his mother in Texas while he recovers from his surgery. At least Annie and Ashley have temporarily called a truce for Jacob’s sake, and there’s even a sweet moment in which Annie gives Jacob a string prayer bracelet to take along with him. Aww.
Jorge & Anfisa
In a ploy to win Anfisa’s cold, dead heart back, Jorge shows up at her apartment looking like a serial killer/low rent ninja. He’s grown a weird beard and he’s donning a black hoodie. So, I expect he’s thrown himself into some sort of abused husband protective program? Then why the eff is he back here knocking on crazy lady’s door.
Well, because he loooooves her. And he needs TLC to pay his bills, so he’s moving back in for the sake of the show. As they discuss their relationship on the bed, Jorge promises never to lie about his blushing bride again. Anfisa isn’t so sure. This is the man who claimed to be a millionaire, then expected her to drive around in a Jeep, right? She’s not buying his lies again but does agree to give him a chance. She also has bills to pay, and those Instagram butt implant sponsorships aren’t going to finance her next pair of second-hand Loubotins.
Anfisa may make space in her heart for Jorge to worm his way back in, but she certainly isn’t making room in her closet. He’ll have to live out of trash bags, which works for me. She also wants Jorge to go to counseling, which he agrees to. OMG, who is this counselor? Have they been WARNED? On a happy note, Anfisa’s cat is still alive.
Later, Jorge takes Anfisa salsa dancing to prove he’s still a wild and crazy guy. Anfisa doesn’t like the sound of Jorge being “the boss” on the dance floor, but she manages not to let her big oaf of a husband crush her feet while they practice. The couple sees this as a sign of great things to come like Jorge getting arrested in Arizona.
Molly & Luis
In Georgia, Molly says Olivia has been gone for two weeks. She’s not sure if her daughter is ever coming back, not that Luis cares one way or another. Molly’s friend and business partner, Cynthia, comes over to counsel her. But the counseling she offers sucks the big one because she doesn’t understand what’s really going on here – she just thinks Olivia is upset because she can’t accept Molly “finding love.”
On a more concerning front, Molly needs to leave for a weekend business trip and Luis will be put in charge of little Kensley. Um, NOPE. What the hell, Molly? Please god, let there be a camera crew in the home 24/7 to track Luis’s every smarmy move. That poor little girl! Paging Uncle Jess! Paging Uncle Jess’s hat collection! You are needed in Casa de Molly ASAP.
Before Molly leaves, she instructs Luis on basic skills like laundry and dish duty. “Okay, mom!” Luis taunts as he lazes in bed smirking at her. Luis doesn’t understand why Kensley can’t spend the weekend with her dad because he’s the WORST CASE SCENARIO and even he knows it. Oh my god – I can’t even watch this sh*t go down. It makes me murdery.
As Molly packs up to go, Luis laughs in her face about him “babysitting” her kid. Molly, who needs to buy several clues about who this dirtbag is, seems to FINALLY register the fact that Luis is a danger to her child. So she calls her mom to go stay at the house (or just check in?) while she’s away. Please, LORD, let this be the beginning of the end. And please let Luis get chucked in the head with a ceramic owl on his way out the door. It really just needs to happen.
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, and iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
TELL US: WHAT IS GOING ON WITH PEDRO’S MYSTERIOUS ‘PLAN?’ IS MOLLY FINALLY WISING UP TO WHAT A D-BAG LUIS IS? HOW DO WE START A GOFUNDME TO SAVE MAY FROM NICOLE? ANYONE? HELP!
Photo Credit: TLC